


The Hell Phone

by cornerandchair



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Gen, The Hell Phone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 18:44:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11629614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerandchair/pseuds/cornerandchair
Summary: Everyone's got that annoying little voice in their head.Doug's named his "The Hell Phone"





	The Hell Phone

The worst thing about prison wasn’t the smell, or the terrible roommates, or whatever. It was the fact that Doug couldn’t shut off “The Hell Phone”.

“The Hell Phone” was his name for that annoying little voice in the back of his mind. Sometimes it was his voice. Some times it was Kate’s. And at the worst times… it was Anne’s voice.

He hated The Hell Phone.

And he couldn’t do _jack **shit**_ to stop it. He tried everything he could to block it out, to cut the metaphorical wire, but there wasn’t a whole lot to do in jail. And to make it worse at some point he starts _listening_ to The Hell Phone.

From there on Doug almost gives up. He resigns himself to rotting in jail, it was better than he deserved, according to The Hell Phone.

Then Evil. Inc. showed up at his prison doorstep.

Rachel and her “exceptions”  
Mr. Cutter and his….. Everything.

Doug and The Hell Phone were more than willing to continue rotting in prison.

But they brought Anne into it. Mr. Cutter stuck his manipulative little well-kept hands right into Doug’s heart and pretty _forcefully_ pulled the plug on The Hell Phone.

So now Doug’s floating in space. No one can hear The Hell Phone in space.

At least that’s what he hoped.

Turns out The Hell Phone gets _really_ good reception in space. Especially when you spend enough time strapped to Dr. McScientist’s lab table. At least he had Stupid Mundane Emergencies to keep him occupied.

He learned to occupy his free time by pranking Dr. Hilbert and Commander Minkowski, and Hera was pretty good company. The daily logs he was required to do weren’t bad. He broadcast one into Deep Space on a lark (He would later find out it was _more_ than just one, whoops).

Also in space The Hell Phone got more material to use. Chief among them being how rude he was to Hera in the early days of the mission.

Still, he thought he was doing better. He had his cigarettes, he had Hera, hell, even Minkowski and Hilbert had their moments.

He had one day that The Hell Phone liked to connect him too:

He’d been sitting in the Comms room. Just finished his daily log. Nothing to do, no emergencies to worry about (yet), he could relax.

“Hey, Hera?” He pushed off the panel and sort of stared at the ceiling.

“Yes, Officer Eiffel?” Her voice crackled through the system.

“Can you..?” He stopped, wondering if he should really ask. “Can you change your… voice?”

“Uhm… Y- yes? How so?”

“Like- Like can you mimic other people’s voices?” He waved his hands, almost trying to give the abstract idea shape.

“Oh! Ahem.” She cleared her “throat”. “This is the audio log of Communications Officer Douglas-”

“Okay okay okay, that’s- That’s really creepy, but thanks for answering my question.” He laughed.

“You’re welcome. Now, who’s voice did you want me to mimic?”

Doug fell silent. He had intended to ask her to try and mimic Anne’s voice. But now that he was here he…

“Eiffel?”

He pulled himself back to the Comms panel. “No… Nevermind. It was stupid.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, “Just uh… Just forget I asked.”

He more or less hated himself in silence for weeks after that point.

And then things got _worse_! Attempted murdering, Captain Lovelace, Dear Listeners, _the bomb_.

That goddamn bomb.

You know what increases The Hell Phone service area?

Hallucinating from loneliness!

Sure most of it was… nice? It saved him from dying. The cyro idea was… a double edged sword. But it was still overall not great.

For a while after he met Kepler, Jacobi, and Maxwell he thought it might get better.

Nope. Nooope nope nope _NOPE_! It did _not_ get better.

But at least he was too busy plotting a hopefully bloodshed-less coup to pay too much attention to The Hell Phone in the back of his brain.

But things _just_ can’t go his way, can they?

Murphy’s Law or whatever, everything that could go wrong _did_.

But _he_ was fine. Of course he was fine. It was his plan.

And the driver’s always fine.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally called "The Driver's Always Fine"
> 
> But... Yeah.


End file.
